Waiting for you


You can’t be too old for memories.
No matter what, they’ll always be there for you
even if everyone else turns their back
or you turn 80 and your hair falls out and you get wrinkled
or even if you hate yourself sometimes.
You can always think about what happened once before
and smile—
because you know you had something beautiful.
something better.
I had something like that once.
It was you.
I still remember your face
your voice
your smile that could make everyone else disappear.
I still remember how you drove me to Aunt Kathy’s house on Christmas
and we listened to KISS on the radio
and you let me sing along even though I didn’t know the words
and then we made a snowman.
we named him Quasimodo because he was so ugly
but do you remember?
he didn’t melt until April.
And you gave me that Harry Potter book
because you thought I might like it
even though you stole it back later
and read it yourself.
I remember when you got your license
—you were so excited.
You were the best, everybody said, the best they’d ever seen—
I already knew that though.
And I remember when you took me up in your plane
I was scared of heights,
but you let me wear the other headset
and listen to the control tower
and I was so fascinated I didn’t even notice when we took off.
The clouds at sunset when we flew over them…
Do you remember?
And I remember Banzai Burgers—
you told me to order one, and I did
just because it was you
even though they sounded gross.
pineapple and teriyaki sauce on a hamburger?
but it was my favorite after that.
still is.
I guess it’s still yours too, at least I hope.
And I remember—
I try not to.
But I do.
I remember when John came to get me at the football game.
I was so happy because I got my braces off, remember?
I wanted you to see.
But John got out of the car,
and I knew something was wrong.
And I remember his voice, his words,
his arms when my knees gave way
and the tears in his eyes reflected in the ones on my face.
I remember all the people at home.
I didn’t know them all—didn’t know any of them,
not even Dad.
I didn’t know anything except the ringing in my ears.
I called my friends. Told them everything.
But it didn’t make sense.
It still doesn’t.
Even after we went to the hangar
and it was set up so pretty
with all those flowers
and all the pictures of you
Jimmy was holding my hand while everyone talked to me
in those soft sad tones
but I still didn’t get it.
Guess I never will.
I still haven’t stopped being sad, you know.
You were my hero, did you ever know that?
I thought you could do anything.
I still believe it.
I just think maybe you were too good for this place.
I know I’ll see you again someday,
because I still see you every day inside my head—
inside my heart, even though it sounds cheesy.
For now I’m just waiting for you,
and hoping you’re waiting for me wherever you are…
But I’ll always remember you,
so please,
try and remember me, too.